Money of my own

This article, and The Mad Momma's fiery response to it have got me thinking - how much of my need to get back to work is driven by the insecurity that comes from being financially dependant?

I'll be honest - it is the number one reason why I want to get back to work.

Oh, there are other reasons. I know it's fashionable to crib about the drudgery that is corporate life - the stupid boss, the credit-stealing co-workers, the pointless meetings, the heavy work load, slow career progression - oh the things we have to put up with, all for the sake of our little six-figure monthly pay checks!

But I'm not a fashionable person so I'm going to say it: I like going to work. I'm just that sort of person. I enjoy the interactions with a world that is so separate, and so different from my life at home. I think going back to work would make me a happier person, and a better mother, wife, and daughter.

So that's the romantic answer to why I want to get back to work. And it's true. But it's only part of the answer. The larger part is indeed about the money. I want money of my own.

I should clarify here that Moppet's Papa is absolutely wonderful about money. I have free access to it, and he never asks how much I've spent and on what. I'm the one with the problem. I'm always apologetic about spending the money, even though I know there is no need to be.

The Mad Momma has put down her attitude to this beautifully (as always!):
"I am not financially dependent because I am too stupid to get a job or because I have lost a faculty. I am financially dependent because I am doing something that I consider far more important. I am bringing up 'our' child in a way that suits 'us'. And in that way, the OA is dependent on me for our child's upbringing and our home running in a cosy and efficient way."

And as I read it, I know it's true, and I would be spared much mental agony if I could believe it of myself. But I can't.

I did not plan to be a SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret for one moment this last year that I have spent at home with Moppet. I don't think I would've changed that even if I could have. But I do know that back home in India, even if i didn't go back to work full-time, I would definitely have tried my hand at something part-time. Just knowing that the option exists would've made it easier to justify my financial dependance to myself.

Here in Bangkok, my options are far more limited. It is hard to find a job, not knowing the language, and not being a Thai national. Companies have quotas and are allowed to hire only a few non-Thais. Finding a job is not impossible - but it is difficult. And being faced with this difficulty for the first time in my life has brought home to me how much I need to work.

Because I want to work. And because I want money of my own.