Monday, August 6, 2007

Do I? Don't I?

I spent most of this last weekend in a funk because my job search is going nowhere. This is nothing new. My job hunt has been diligently going nowhere for several months now, and on most days, it doesn't bother me too much.

But every once in a while, my tendency to feel sorry for myself asserts itself and I spend a couple of days being gloomy and unpleasant and thinking dark thoughts about all those happy
people who have it all.

I worry about being financially dependent. I fear that my hard-earned skills and expertise will become obsolete in this fast paced world. I crave the interaction and stimulation of the real world. I know my self-esteem is taking a beating, because shallow as it may sound, it is tied up inextricably with what I do.

And yet, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I must admit that if I wanted to work so badly, I would have tried much harder to find a job. Somewhere deep down, I think I am afraid to go back to work. Afraid that I will emerge, Rip Van Winkle like, into a work world that I am no longer equipped to handle. Afraid to deal with the guilt of stealing time from my daughter to satisfy my ego. Afraid of facing the working mom's dilemma.

I rail against the circumstances that have left me with no choice, but I am afraid of having that choice.

Apologies to those of you who may have expected a point to this post. There isn't one.

Just confusion.

20 comments:

Something to Say said...

Hello sister! :)
Sometimes having a choice - doesnt seem like such a nice thing, na?

Sandeepa said...

Oh My, exactly the same sentiments. I work reduced hours now and I feel I will never be able to get back to a packed full day though I do want to do that once S turns 5.
I keep procrastinating...

Just Like That said...

I understand it so well!

When I started looking out for work once Sonny boy was starting school, one consultant told me that if I were serious about my career, I would not have kept away for almost 4 yrs.
She told me my chances were much lower because of the gap. I was less experienced than my earlier peers and older than my to-be peers. But I'm fiercely glad I had at least 3 yrs to devote to Sonny boy.Even tho' things are not really hunky dory. I'm compromising at work, not staying back late, not joining in for parties and stuff... and I'm compromising at home too, not spending enough fun time with my son...
But for now that's the way it is, I'm staying put with my choices, till I can rework them, hopefully..

DotMom said...

Ah! the grass is greener on the other side. It's a tough choice, and wichever way you decide, it won't be wrong. I work full time and there is not a day that goes by when I think what if I stayed home full time or worked reduced hours? I am sorry, you are caught up in this confusion - don't wish you were like those women who seen to have made peace with their choice, either to work or stay home? They definately have my envy.

Sue said...

Are you a software engineer?

Tharini said...

This seems to be the recurring theme on a lot of blogs these days...first at Poppin's, then at Itchy's and now here...hope you feel better.

AmmaForever said...

don't stress too much for now. i'm sure more clarity will emerge when you start interviewing. you'll do well when that happens. keep the faith and best of luck.

anja said...

on the same page, i relate totally yet again...there are no easy answers atleast you've really started asking the questions and voicing the fears out loud, that is a start..i'm still dodging the thoughts..

namvor said...

hi moppet's mom.

after a fairly long battle with myself i have finally made peace with my decision to stay with my babies till i feel ready to leave them. i know i would have been horribly unhappy to leave them no matter how interesting the work - thats how i am - so staying with them is what has worked for me. i can look at it in two ways - one that i will never get to where i would have been had i not quit and two that i was lucky enough to have choice to decide what would make me happier.

not much point in this comment either but i have finally sorted through the confusion inside my head!

noon said...

I know how you feel. Good luck with the job search - really hope you get one sooooon. Will send you all the best of wishes! And when you do get the job do think of some of us who will still be in a desperate sitn - dreaming of the day when they can be working again. I want to change fields so I have to study some before working and for that I have to wait till both kids are a little bit older...Sigh!

Moppet's Mom said...

STS: I know...but I think I still want it though :-)

Sandeepa: Yes, but at least with reduced hours you're still somewhat in touch with your work - I feel competely cut off...

JLT: That's exactly what I'm afraid of, but then hopefully once I get to make the choice, I reconcile myself to it one way or another.

Dotmom: Oh yes, I know a few women who've made peace with their choices, and I'm so jealous!

Sue: Nope - I suppose all my fears of becoming obsolete are what made you think that? :-)

Tharini: Yes, it's funny, I was in one of my moods over the weekend, and then I saw Poppins post on Monday.

Ammaforever: Thanks for dropping by. And for the wishes!

Anja: Yeah, although I'm not making my life any easier with the doubts :-)

Navmor: I need to reach that - where I know one way or another what I want - or make my peace with what I have.

Noon: I know you know. Thanks, dear.

Sue said...

Well, I was wondering. V's a graphic designer and was told of some openings in Bangkok...

Are you the MBA type then? HR? Eeeks!

Poppins said...

Well this isn't news to me, but what can I say? I think I mentioned this elsewhere too that sometimes the fact that we don't have a choice makes it harder to accept than if we did.

That does absolutely nothing to help you. I feel so badly about it.

All I can do is pray and hope that either you find a position. Wwhether you take it after that is irrelevant, you're sure to be feeling quite low because you are unable to find anything suitable even if the reasons are kosher.

Or that you do make peace in this forced choice and are able to look at it as an investment in your child's future.

Good luck to you my blog buddy !

Collection Of Stars said...

I too felt the same when I was on maternity leave but then I don't feel all that nice now that I am back to work. It's painful to leave my daughter and come to work.

Squiggles Mom said...

I'm in the same boat now. I can't imaging not going back to work but equally feel guilty at the thought of leaving Squiggles with my mom during the day. And my D-day is months away!I'm sure you'll sort yourself out in time.

Cantaloupes.Amma (CA) said...

The grass always seems greener on the other side I guess ... being a working mom, I am haunted by the guilt sending Cantaloupe to day care ... but when I was home with her for a while, I couldn't wait to get back to work.
Its a tough choice ....hang in there!!!

karmickids said...

God you wrote for me. Can you see inside my head????? We're all in the same boat...

Shyam said...

Dunno what you used to do, but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to get back into the world of paid work! :) We've had a lady join our office after 13 years of being a stay-at-home mom... and I bet it's not been anywhere near that long for you.

the mad momma said...

errrmmm well we could call this the SAHM's dilemma and start a cool club !! i like Sue's reactions.. and I like Namvor's comment.

Mystic Margarita said...

I'm working now but will leave the job in a month or so to be with Popol - I hear you, girl!