Moppet and I have signed up for parent-child swim classes because:
a) we needed to do something that was different from our normal routine of eat, don't sleep, play, eat, don't sleep some more, and see if we can get mom to throw herself off the balcony.
b) apparently swimming can help with sleeping. See point a.
c) our balcony overlooks the swimming pool. See point a.
The first class was great. There were five other babies (and their moms) in our group and the instructor took us through rhymes and games designed to help the babies learn how to swim. Moppet had a wonderful time, joining in the splashing games with gusto, and jumping off the little floats into the water like she'd been doing it all her life.
I had a great time too - apart from the trauma of having to appear in all my jiggly, pear-shaped glory in front of 5 well-toned women who apparently got their babies simply by clicking their fingers and making a wish.
But it was worth it, because when we got back home, Moppet actually took an afternoon nap. For one whole hour! Bliss!
So it was with a skip in my step and a song on my lips that I arrived at the second class. This was going to be fun.
Oh boy. You know what's coming, right?
To begin with, we were early, and the group before us were still in the pool. So I spent an energetic 5 minutes flinging myself around, trying to keep Moppet from taking a running jump into the pool.
When she realised it wasn't a game, and that I was actually trying to stop her from entering the pool, she set up a howl that caused one of the babies in the pool to startle and start crying too.
Flashing an apologetic smile in response to the dirty look from the baby's mother, I grabbed Moppet and rushed outside, where we stayed until it was time for our class.
For the first 10 minutes all was well. We sang the splashing song, wiggled, kicked, and bounced around happily in the water.
And then we discovered The Shower.
The pool is set up with a little tunnel on one side. The babies swim through the tunnel and at the end there's a bright yellow button that they get to press. This causes a small spray of water to sprinkle the button-pusher's head. In theory.
In practice, the mom of the button-pusher gets a spray of water in her face.
Of course, Moppet LOVED it. She'd push the button, I'd get sprayed in the face and gasp, and she'd laugh. If I tried to move her away from the shower, she would protest with the most ear-splitting howls.
Finally, I dragged her away and put her on the float with the other well-behaved babies who were playing a sedate game of Row Your Boat. Suffice it to say that the game ended very quickly with all 6 babies in the water.
So we were banished to The Shower, where Baby Voldemort spent the rest of the class spraying me in the face and laughing like a little maniac.
For me, the only light at the end of the tunnel was her nap. It's worth it, I kept telling myself on the way back. She'll sleep for an hour. She will. She will.
So now I'm off to throw myself off the balcony.
Don't worry though, I'm taking swim classes :-)