Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Because YOU'RE so nice...

Mother's Day conversation in our household:

Me: Did you know it's Mother's Day today? Huh?

The Husband: What? No, I didn't.

Long pause, pointed and laden with meaning on my part; completely peaceful, back-to-reading-online-comics on his.

End of conversation.


Some days I feel so taken for granted. Sure, it's a cushy life I lead - staying at home with the kid, full-time help, no money troubles - I know I'm luckier than most. But it's also a lonely life, and those jealous twinges that I get when I see batchmates and juniors update their professional profiles with fancy designations are painfully real.

The husband doesn't quite get it, I think. Because his life hasn't stopped. He still gets to travel, meet people, and apply his mind to something other than how to get a 2 year old to eat a decent meal, sleep on her own, and pee in the pot.

He's been really busy with work over the last month or so, and will continue to be till the end of this month. While I know it's because he wants to be as free as possible by the time Munch comes along, it also means that I've had to do a lot of the preparation for the new baby by myself. When I contrast it to how we did everything together with so much excitement when I was pregnant with Moppet, I feel terribly sorry for myself and Munch.

And though I'm looking forward to D-Day, somewhere in the back of my mind is the fear that it will somehow all fall to me to deal with both kids and that I just won't be upto it.

So anyway, for the last couple of weeks I've been chipping away at my to-do list, picking up all the small things, doing research on big items like car seats and prams, nagging the husband for feedback on my research, getting impatient 'don't panic, we'll do it next week' responses, making useless threats on the whole name situation, rubbing my aching back as far as I can reach on my own and wallowing in self-pity.

I have not, in short, been feeling very nice. So this 'Nice Matters Award'* from Sue, Lavs, and Null Pointer cheered me up tremendously. As did all the emails and comments from all of you asking what was up. Thanks again.

I swear if I hadn't found all of you I would've gone completely insane by now.

Passing it on to Sur, JLT, and Kiran.

*In the words of the originator of this award: This award will be awarded to those that are just nice people , good blog friends and those that inspire good feelings and inspiration! Those that care about others that are there to lend support or those that are just a positive influence in our blogging world!


~nm said...

Hahaha! So much for giving a hint to your hubby!!

Mona said...

oh glad you're all cheered up moppet's mom. you know what though, you're growing a little person and that's wayyy more important than any fancy-sounding designation or promotions or whatever.
you rock.
rock on!

Timepass said...

Hope u r doing good..Cheer up..we need the same witty Moppet's Mom back..

Mala said...

These men. Some friends had come over for dinner on Sunday and one of them (a guy, mind you)asked me loudly, So what all did you get for your first mother's day?

K looked absolutely blank and said- Mother's day? But what am I supposed to do? And D is too young..if you want anything, wait till he grows up.

Grrr. So much for presenting him with his firstborn on Father's Day last year (which everyone felt very cute about, by the way. All his male friends kept congratulating him for weeks about it).


Just Like That said...

Awwww. don't worry Maggie. things are going to work out just fine. Hang on in there.

Sending a big, warm, comforting hug and a back rub your way.:-)

And thanks for the vote of niceness.

If its any consolation, I had Sonny boy at 33 and got back to work at 36, after a 4 yr break from the rat race. So you can do it whenever, if you want to. Cool and focus on Moppet and Munch now. Hugs.

Kodi's Mom said...

*hugs* I so wish we lived closer, Maggie. you're not alone, you know that. and how much do you wanna bet, when you get back in the game after sending off two well adjusted, smart kids to school, you're going to rise above all the rest. only a matter of time. for now, just concentrate on nagging ...that darned list needs to get done!

Sunita said...

Yes like Kodi's mom said, just concentrate on nagging and enjoy shopping wee-little clothes and booties and nappies.

Poppins said...

Oh you poor baby. Would it help if I told you that my situation with the husband is the same. He's busier than ever, travels, and in general is totally oblivious to tha fact that we're having a baby. Yesterday he had the gall to suggest that we should have three children and not two - I am so getting my tubes tied now !

What on earth are you feeling lonely for? We're here holding hands with you all the way. In anycase it's only a matter of time and soon your parents will be here, and then the new baby. It will all be very exciting Maggie!

Chin up.

DotThoughts said...

you are not alone. jobs do get to be boring too. so they are not as know that. I am posting something here... it's long and sorry hog your comment space.. but someone sent it to me yesterday.
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response,
the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone,or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the
corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The Invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this?
Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands;
I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer,
'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30,
please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the
eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -
but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen
again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return
of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was
sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling
pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped
package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great
cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me
until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the
greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would
discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after
which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great
cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave
their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made
great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building
was fueled by their fait h that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit
the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny
bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why
are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be
covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman
replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see
the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake
you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a
great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my
own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn
pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As
one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see
finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The
writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever
be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to
sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend
he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4
in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a
turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That
would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him
to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his
friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if
we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world
will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has
been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Mira's mom said...

Hey Maggie,

Don't really know what to say. Thought what Dotthoughts sent was absolutely amazing - though the "invisible" bit which only God looks at did bother me somewhere (I mean, I WANT MORE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!), but it so beautifully put down what all of us as moms do. And yes, I know that there is time for everything - that if you want something so desperately, nothing in this world can hold it back from you - that I can almost see you leading the life that you want - sporting a designation that is as fancy as it can get but you know what, there's a bit of time for that. For today, you have to cherish the moments that you spend with the kids and pat yourself for what a brilliant job done! And you know what, tomorrow when you'll be writing posts about how little time you get to spend with your kids, thanks to the money-churning job - we'll be the ones telling you - "its ok Maggie, its ok"! Sigh - why it is always have to be us? :-)

George said...

hey thanks so much maggie.

your post mirrors so much of what all of us out there go through. i guess thats why all of us are dropping by each others blogs all of the time.

and dont lose your spirit and confidence, you will be elbowing back into the race soon enough. so many of my friends and cousins have taken that break and gone back with what a bang!

and meanwhile know that singing 'ma oony sunshine' in the balcony is amongst the most precious gift that you will get and give...

cheer up. and thanks for remembering me in such a beautiful post.

Maggie said...

~nm: Yeah, one of the mysteries of the universe - such an intelligent man, and yet so dumb! :-p

Mona: I know, I know - it's not really about the job, it's just a combination of many things, including a feeling of my life having stopped two years ago - and with Munch on the way a worry that it will continue to be in stasis for another 2 years. That's what scares me...

Timepass: Hello! Witty? Moi? You flatter me :-)

Mala: Oh yeah, that IS cute. You know, Munch and I have a shot at that this year :-) Although the husband so doesn't deserve it!

JLT: Thanks, sweetie. I could really do with that back rub.

Kodi's Mom: Yeah, The List. Hubs really doesn't seem to get that we have only another 2 weeks to get everything done. He's travelling for a few days in both weeks too :-(

Sunita: That's true, two of my favourite activities :-D

Poppins: Husbands! Really. Although I didn't mind it so much until now - I feel like time is running out and he doesn't realise it. He's travelling till the first week of June and I have visions of checking into the hospital all by myself because he's stuck in whatever country he happens to be in that week...

And of course, I know you girls are all there - like I said, it's the only reason I haven't gone completely crazy out here :-)

Dottie: I know, I know - like I said it's not just about the job - it's everything. But what you've sent explains it perfectly. Thank you!

Mira's Mom: I know enough about fancy sounding designations and the empty jobs behind them, sure :-) For the most part I don't miss it - it's just that when I get into these moods of mine - everything from the lack of a career to the husband's preference for comics over conversation with makes me feel a bit useless.

Maggie said...

Sur: I'm all cheered up. And yours was one email really helped :-)

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear all's well! I agree with Mona- you have a job far too important and a designation more fancier than all us working women.
Amazing job!

SUR NOTES said...

oops how did i sign on as george???

Swati said...

Hey know things are not easy with hubbys even when you work. Take it easy ..I guess that was a pregnancy mood swing know :D

Used to happen to me , I wanted hubby to give me LOT of attention and used to cry if he did not :)

ddmom said...

Glad that you have cheered up, blame it on the pregnancy harmones. You are going through the most important thing of all times. Having a baby. Its only a matter of time, hang in there.

Orchid said...

i guess there's not much left to say after dot's comment but just know you are not alone..I feel that way too every day ..lonely and unchallenged but there is a bigger dream for us than we ourselves can dream and it will happen someday, till then take things in your stride!

Random Vignettes said...

Poor baby *hugs* wish this damn internet evolves one day to giving e-back rubs :)
As everyone has so eloquently put it, we are all there for u babe..u just hang in there..very soon Munch will be here and the dreams u had spun for yourself and for the family will all come true one will.

Girl Next Door (gnd) said...

Hi there, got to yours from DotThoughts' blog...
First of all, sending hugs your way. I understand what you are going through...
If it helps, do talk to your hubby about how you feel.
maybe he's really oblivious to how you feel.
Pup was extremely supportive and caring during both pregnancies. But despite that, being a stay-at-home mom the second time around was so depressing for me. I was losing my confidence...and worried if I will ever be able to get back to work. I was terrified of the interview process, esply with the exponential volume of changes in the industry.
The good news is that it's all in the past now! I'm sure the tide will change, so hang in there.
We notice you! You are doing great!!!

Maggie said...

CompulsiveDreamer, Swati, DDMom: All the feelings are real, it's probably just the over-reaction to them that I can blame on the hormones :-) Anyway, all behind me now - and I've got you lot to cheer me up, don't I? Thank you! :-)

Orchie: Thanks sweets.

RV: Yeah, I'm hoping for that day too - the e-back rub, I mean ;-) But seriously - hugs, and thanks for the support!

Girl Next Door: Hello and welcome! Thank you so much for your kind words.

dipali said...

I'd been missing you, Maggie. My computer was ill, has recovered nicely, thank you. Dottie's forward says it all. I think so much of it is fear of not being able to handle all the inevitable demands on your mind and body. But, it's always one day at a time, one moment at a time, some sweet, some painful. This too shall pass.....
Lots and lots of love.

Squiggles Mom said...

Well my mother's day was equally bad. DD flew in from London the previous night so I didn;t get a chance to 'HINT' that something special needed to be done for ME!! He said it was all marketing and what was the point. And my family have always celebrated Mother's Day and I was excited about it since june 8th last year. In fact, for Father's day last year, even though S was only a few days pld, I had gone out and got a card and present for DD.
So, I'm mighty pissed off! And I should have done a post really instead of hogging your comment space :(.And I'm stil wallowing about it. What bothers me is that he doesnt realise it!!!!